Fear.
It is something that I have never had a huge relationship with until this year.
I feel grateful that growing up I never had experiences that caused me to develop traumatic fears and overall my fears were limited to ones that are “common”. But even though I had some fears, I was always able to overcome those fears to do things that brought me joy.
I was able to ride huge roller coasters, swim inter Great Barrier Reef with sharks, eat bugs in Mexico, jump off of a cliff into a quarry, fly in a plane across the globe, and I attended Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios; the last one probably being the most frightening, as I avoid scary movies like the plague, or corona.
Before I was diagnosed with melanoma, I lived for days in the sun. I loved going to the beach and swimming at the YMCA pool as a kid. I longed for the week I would be able to spend as a camper at summer camp every year, and still treasure the memories I made as a summer long counselor at the same camp. I spent my days basking in the Florida sun playing water games, teaching campers to kayak, knee board, ski, and so many other fun water and outdoor sports and activities.
When I met my husband in high school, he helped me develop my love for fishing and lobstering and other outdoor activities that we have continued to enjoy and teach our own children to love as we have grown our family.
When I was diagnosed in 2018, everything happened so quickly that I wasn’t even able to process what was happening fully, let alone become fearful of what the future would bring. I was more fearful of how the surgery and anesthesia would effect my unborn son, more than the cancer that had developed and infiltrated my body. One week I was getting a mole removed, the next I was told I had cancer, then I was in surgery, and the next thing I knew I was being told they had got it all and I was cured.
Of course my diagnosis changed me. I became a lot more aware of my health and the importance of sunscreen, but to be honest, it didn’t really change how I lived from day to day. As long as I had my sunscreen in tow, we were protected and good to go. My diagnosis just seemed like a bad dream.
In January of this year, everything changed and had a whirlwind of fears come crashing down on me that I never expected.
What is this lump in my breast?
Do I have another kind of cancer?
Will they be able to just cut it out like last time?
What if they can’t and I have to do chemo? Radiation?
Will I be able to work and support my family?
Will we have to give up our home?
What if I can’t be there for my kids when they need me?
What if I die?
Will my family be okay if I am gone?
I always try to be an optimist, and based on the many comments I receive from others, my positive outlook and attitude makes it seem as if I am not afraid of anything and I take everything with a gracious stride. But as the oh so cliche saying goes, appearances can be deceiving.
I was beyond scared. My questions mounted and they culminated into my first anxiety attack, while I awaited the pathology results from my lumpectomy.
Though this was the second time I had faced this monster, this time around definitely had way more of an impact on my day to day than before. Once it really sunk in how devastating melanoma could be for my health, my future, and my family’s future, it changed everything.
Now even the thought of my favorite activities caused fear and anxiety, which made me feel weak, angry, and depressed. While other people were hating the fact that they had to quarantine indoors because of corona, I secretly loved that I had an excuse to not leave my house.
Summer used to be my favorite season, and all of a sudden I was dreading having to go outside and do things that I normally would be counting the days down til to do. Being best friends with lake house owners doesn’t help at all either.
When we started venturing outside and doing more outdoor activities, my anxieties continue to grow. I felt on edge all the time, making sure that my family was covered, my kids were covered, and we had all the things that we needed to stay out of the sun. And even with all of the protection, I would still find myself hiding beneath the tent we brought for shade while I watch my kids play and splash in the water. I had to make up excuses for why I couldn’t come in and play with them. It made me feel even worse.
One day, as I was watching my kids playing with my husband and friends in the water, while I sat in my safe shade, it hit me. It was like I slapped myself and screamed:
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY AREN’T YOU OUT THERE ENJOYING YOUR FAMILY AND THE THINGS YOU LOVE TO DO?!?!?!”
I realized that I was allowing things I can’t control get in the way of living my life, enjoying my family, and enjoying the things we love to do.
By out of my control, I mean that I had been already doing everything that you can do to prevent melanoma. We were wearing 50+ sunscreen, reapplying every hour and a half, wearing spf clothing, wearing UV hats and sunglasses, and trying to stay in the shade at the peak UV hours. Yet I was still hiding, afraid to go out in the sun to swim and fish and splash with my kids.
The only other thing I could do was stay inside and completely avoid the sun, but I would be miserable. That isn’t living, that is just existing. I realized that I didn’t want to live like that; in constant fear of things out of my control.
So I started to enjoy the sun more, still protected. We limit our time in it and still keep up our protection routine. I feel so much happier.
A few weeks ago we went to the Florida Keys for a whole week to lobster with my husband’s side of the family. It was amazing! I would have been miserable if I hadn’t shifted my mindset earlier this summer and faced my fears. I wouldn’t have been able to experience my kids reactions the first time they saw dolphins swimming, or when their daddy pulled up a lobster and put it in their heads. I wouldn’t have gotten to feel the sea breeze on my face in the middle of the Florida Bay, or see my son swim in the ocean by himself (with floaties of course). I would have missed out on my life and time with my family because of fear of something I can not control.
It is hard living with melanoma. It is hard not knowing if it will come back or if I will be cured. There are still times that I am fearful of the future and I know it’s hard for many to overcome the fear a cancer diagnosis brings. I am grateful to my family for making me realize that I didn’t need to be afraid of the sun.
You can live your life in the sun, you just need some extra tools to stay safe.
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